What's Already Lost
by JustMeJustMeJustMe
Summary: Jac / Fletch set before None but the Brave.


Totally cliched fic below. I wrote this before None but the Brave but never published it, figured I would now. It's a bit of angsty fluff. I totally ignored the fact that Fletch and Abi was in relationship when Jac returned though for creative purposes. Anyway I hope you like it. :)

She'd returned to work nearly two weeks ago and had instantly noticed that there was definitely something different in the air. Petrenko seemed subdued somehow, quiet and pensive. She was lacking a huge piece of her distinctively fiery personality. There had been no quick comebacks or sharp banter. Fletch was still Fletch but something was missing. His enthusiasm perhaps or something else she wasn't quite sure. She'd returned to find her two closest colleagues fundamentally different from how she'd left them. Neither of them had been forthcoming regarding the change despite her gentle attempts to prod them both for information. She'd assumed they had been under some additional pressure since her departure but she had the feeling that work was somehow not the issue in either case.

She also had a new F1 on Darwin, Nicky, overly enthusiastic, annoyingly pleasant but hopefully not useless if Petrenko was to be believed. She's sure she'll find out for herself soon enough. So far she'd managed to keep her out from under her feet.

She was glad to be back. Life just wasn't the same without surgery. She'd missed it. No matter how many times she went into theatre, there was just nothing else that could match the rush of literally holding someone's heart in her hands. She'd made sure she had gotten back into theatre within days of her return regardless of the pile of admin that had overran her desk.

She walks out of her office towards the nurses station spots Fletch, Petrenko and Nicky all huddled around the counter. Fletch and Petrenko both wearing the same glum expressions they had been sporting for the last two weeks maybe longer, only she hadn't been around to see it. She'd been showing considerable restraint but the desire to slap them both out of it was getting harder to resist.

"Patrenko, there's a mitral valve replacement with your name on it." She tells her as she hands her the file. She watches as a small smile crosses Petrenko's features before she quickly skims through the pages inside.

"Wanna scrub in on a very exciting CABG?" She asks Fletch her tone as cheerful as she could muster.

"Wait, you're giving me the valve replacement instead of the CABG?" Petrenko asks her suddenly her eyebrows raised so high they were practically touching her hairline.

"If you'd prefer to do the CABG..? She questions her.

"No. No I'll do it." Petrenko interrupts her clutching the file to her chest protectively, before turning and walking away.

Fletch hadn't answered her so she turns fully towards him, notices a far away look on his face. She's about to clear her throat to draw him out of his daze when she sees Nicky approach her from the left.

"What can I do to help?" Nicky asks her.

"Well..you can either scrub in on the CABG or the mitral valve? Your choice." She asks her knowing that the mitral valve will be far more appealing to the F1.

"I'll go find Petrenko." Nicky tells her with a smile before skipping off in the same direction Petrenko had only moments before.

She clears her throat loudly.

"So…the CABG?" She asks him while eyeing him expectantly.

"Erm….I dunno I've got a million and one other things to do today." He tells her looking up briefly meeting her gaze.

She rolls her eyes.

"Oh come on." She pleads softly. He looks up then, obviously having noticed the change of tone in her voice.

He nods.

"Okay." He agrees giving her a small smile. It wasn't quite a fully fledged grin but she was willing to accept the small victory for now.

"Good." She tells him throwing him a quick smile before heading back to her office.

What was the world coming to when she had to be the one to spread some cheer around the place. She's half expecting the fourth horseman to show up anytime now signaling the apocalypse.

A few hours later and she's standing in the scrub room washing her hands. The CABG had gone well and her patient was on his way to recovery. She'd check in on him in a little bit. Petrenko's valve replacement must have started a little while ago and she wants to go and check on her too.

Fletch had managed to maintain his glum mood the entire way through the CABG despite her best efforts to engage him in banter or conversation. She'd given up trying about a quarter of the way through and they'd worked the rest of the time in relative silence. She's not sure if she's really concerned or just simply pissed off that he won't share what's bothering him.

He walks into the scrub room and joins her at the sink. Removes his surgical gown and mask quickly, tossing them in the bin next to him. He turns on the taps in the sink next to her and starts washing his hands. She grabs a couple of paper napkins and dries her hands before turning to face him.

"Is everything okay?" She asks him softly while placing a hand gently on his back.

"Yeah." He tells her sharply. He moves forward then, reaches for the soap on the shelf in front of him the action moving him away and out of reach of her touch. She lets her hand drop away and rolls her eyes, ignoring the stab of disappointment his recoil had caused.

"Drink after work?" She asks him not really expecting him to accept, her intention is simply to gauge his reaction.

He looks surprised for a second, locks his eyes on to hers with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"No thanks, I can't I'm afraid. I've got to help Evie with a school project this evening." He looks away from her quickly and if she didn't know any better she'd have believed he was lying to her.

"Some other time then." She tells him. She makes a start for the door but she's suddenly annoyed. She turns back to him, notices his attention is focused entirely on his own hands in front of him in the sink.

"What is wrong with you?" She huffs.

He looks towards her and shrugs, the expression on his face implying he doesn't have a clue what she's talking about.

"Nothing." He tells her eventually shaking his head.

"Don't think I haven't noticed you and Petrenko moping around here for weeks like Victor bloody Meldrew and Eeyore." She tells him with anger slightly laced through her voice.

He laughs then shakes his head again.

"Fine." She tells him softly when he hadn't answered her after a few seconds.

"Which one am I?" He asks her looking genuinely curious as to which grumpy glum character she'd associated to him.

She doesn't bother replying turns away from him and leaves the room quickly.

She heads to her office to complete the relevant paper work. Her earlier desire to spread a little cheer about the place has completely evaporated and she wonders if she's somehow caught Fletch and Petrenko's glum mood. Contagious cretins. She forgoes checking on Petrenko's valve replacement and instead spends the next few hours making her way through a pile of emails and referrals.

She only ventures out of her office to grab a cup of coffee mid afternoon when her brain had firmly demanded a caffeine fix. She'd briefly glimpsed and overheard the new CEO Abigail Tate on her way to the kitchen. She was talking to Fletch about the Senior Nurse Manager interviews. She looked pleasant enough, but there was just something about her interaction with Fletch she just didn't quite like. She can hear them bantering back and fourth debating the candidates with interest. A twinge of jealousy hits her and she dismisses it quickly reminding herself that not every single woman in the entire building wanted to date Adrian bloody Fletcher. She makes her coffee quickly and heads back to her office refusing to even glance at the pair on her way back past.

She's just reached her desk and put her coffee down when there's a knock at the door and a few seconds later Nicky enters the room. She eyes her expectantly when she doesn't start talking straight away. Nicky looks almost frozen by the doorway like she's waiting for an invitation to come further in to her office.

"What?" She asks her impatiently. Her now short fuse getting shorter by the second.

"Post op imaging and blood work all completed for both your CABG and Petrenko's valve replacement. Mr Richards is awake and all obs are normal. Mrs Stevens is still a bit groggy but obs are normal as well. I'll keep an eye on her for the next few hours." Nicky tells her, walking towards her to hand her both patients files.

"Thanks." She replies and waves her hand at her dismissively, letting Nicky know she can leave her office now.

It's late when she finally decides to head home. She walks out to the nurses station to put Mr Richards and Mrs Stevens files back in their rightful place now that she'd finished with them. She spots the light still on in Fletch's office and wonders what he is still doing here so late. He was supposed to be helping Evie with a school project and as far as she is aware there hadn't been any emergency which would require him to stick around.

She walks into his office but he isn't there. She's about to leave when she spots an envelope in the bin with her name scrawled on the front in his distinctive handwriting. Curiosity niggles at her to find out what's inside. The bin is almost overflowing as it hadn't yet been emptied by the cleaning staff. The envelope was sitting practically in full view right on the top of the pile. She takes a quick glance around to make sure she isn't in anyone's line of sight before bending her knees slightly so she can swipe the envelope up into her hand.

A sudden rush of panic mixed with guilt courses through her upon touching the envelope and she is suddenly very aware that this feels like a violation of his privacy. He had clearly not intended for her to have whatever is inside. She feels briefly torn but the desire to look overwhelms the guilt and she carefully pulls the card out. She quickly opens it and skims the message inside.

'Welcome back really missed you. Fletch xx'

He hadn't given it to her, he'd thrown it in the bin instead. A million reasons as to why pass through her mind all at once but none of them are good. She pushes the card back inside the envelope and carefully places it back exactly as she'd found it. A disappointed sigh escapes her lips and she shakes her head slightly to clear her thoughts.

The primary purpose of her break from work had been to recover from the injuries she'd suffered.

She had intentionally avoided all contact with everyone from Holby while she'd been away, Fletch, Sacha and Petrenko included. She'd rang HR directly to request extended sick leave once her holiday entitlement had ran out, fully aware that they would pass the information on to all those who needed to know. She hadn't at that point been ready to come back. She was afraid that if she'd have made contact with anyone she would have been drawn back in to returning to work before she was ready. Petrenko had been right, she really had needed a long term solution for her pain. She had also needed the time to fully accept the reality and potential life long impact of her injuries. She had allowed herself to live in denial for far too long so that she could keep working. She had done so for good reason but her denial had only further exacerbated the problem. Suddenly aware she is still standing in Fletch's empty office she walks back out the door, flicking off the light on her way past and heads to the locker room to get changed.

Fletch had played on her mind a lot while she'd been away, she'd be lying if she said she wasn't tempted to get in touch with him more than once but wasn't sure if he'd welcome it or not. The need to recuperate had been enough to prevent her from doing so. She wonders if she'd made a mistake. She didn't know what was going on with either Petrenko or Fletch. She can't help but think that the reason that neither of them had confided in her was because she'd been gone so long. Eight weeks to be exact. It didn't sound like a long time but when you've been used to spending eight to twelve hours a day with someone five, sometimes six days a week you really tend to notice when they simply disappear, and that's precisely what she'd done. She went ghost.

She wonders if she's been misreading Fletch since her return. Perhaps what appeared to be a 'glum' mood was in fact simple disinterest. He'd been behaving relatively normally over the last few weeks. He was still Fletch, still helpful, still talking his patients to death, still doing his job. He was just different somehow. He was no longer throwing her a smile just because she entered the room. He was no longer cracking jokes to try and get her to laugh and he was most definitely not seeking out her eyes at every opportunity. If he was no longer interested in her then there would be no real reason to continue to do those things. She sighs heavily the missed opportunity crushing her soul.

She goes home, gives her sleeping daughter a kiss on the forehead and makes her way to her bed for an early night. She's exhausted.

When she wakes up in the morning she decides there's not much she can do regarding Fletch if he'd simply lost interest. She resolves to carry on as normally as possible but she holds out a little bit of hope that perhaps in time any feelings he did have for her might resurface at some point. There was however a few things she could do in the meantime to help pull Petrenko out of her slump. She decides that 'Operation Petrenko' would take priority today.

She gets herself and Emma ready and heads to work. Drops Emma into the crèche before grabbing a cup of coffee at Pulses and an extra tea.

She gets off the lift and spots Petrenko at the nurses station.

"My office." She calls to her as she walks past. As soon as Petrenko joins her in her office she gently shoves the cup of tea into her hands.

"We need to go over the elective surgeries we have planned for today." She tells her as she walks towards her desk.

"Have you been trying to cheer me up?" Petrenko questions her a look of disbelief on her face. Her eyes focused on the cup of tea now in her hand.

"Me?" She asks feigning as much ignorance as possible. "No." She adds for good measure. "We've got two CABG's and one aneurism this afternoon." She continues ignoring Petrenko's questioning eyes. She puts down her coffee and picks up the three relevant files on her desk, then sits down in her chair.

"I let the love of my life go." Petrenko tells her solemnly.

"What? When?" She asks her curiosity getting the better of her. "Sorry it's really not my business."

"He came here for me." Petrenko elaborates.

"And yet you're still here?" She questions her offering her a slightly sympathetic head tilt.

"Sometimes you can't get back what you've already lost." Petrenko tells her shakes her head and continues. "We had our time I guess."

Petrenko's words resonate deeply inside her and she hopes she's wrong. She watches her face closely and notices as a far away glaze passes over her eyes, she knows Petrenko's mind is reliving old memories.

"I'm sorry." She tells her softly. "You can lead on this afternoon's aneurism." She informs her suddenly after a few moments silence. She picks up the file and hands it to her.

Petrenko gives her a knowing smile. A grateful one. "Okay, great. Thanks."

She can clearly see Petrenko is touched by the small gesture.

They drink the rest of their tea and coffee while discussing the upcoming surgeries. At least she now knew the cause of Petrenko's glum mood. She feels a slight weight has been lifted off her shoulders and she resolves to cut her Just a little bit of slack for a short while. She was pleased that Petrenko had been finally able to confide in her. Now she just had to deal with Fletch.

She heads to the nurses station wants to check on Mr Richards and Mrs Stevens herself. She picks up the files and thumbs through them both quickly. She spots movement out the corner of her eye and sees Abi breeze past the station towards Petrenko.

"Where's Fletch?" She overhears Abi ask.

"His office?" Petrenko questions a look of confusion on her face.

"He owes me a drink." Abi tells her proudly before she turns and walks towards Fletch's office without explaining to Petrenko why he owes her a drink. She feels anger swell inside her. Not only had the new CEO not introduced herself, but she was also making moves on Fletch. She groans in frustration. Forgoes visiting Mr Richards and Mrs Stevens, certain they don't need her sudden bad mood inflicted on them, instead she sits down at the PC and goes through her schedule, entering and reviewing her upcoming surgeries.

A little while later she senses someone's eyes on her and looks up to find Fletch carefully watching her. She feels irritated at the sight of him. Wants to push all thoughts of him to the very back of her mind. She focuses back on the screen in front of her but continues to feel his eyes watching her.

"What?" She asks him unable to keep the irritation out of her voice. She locks her eyes straight on to his.

He looks taken aback, looks away from her quickly. Now she feels guilty. She sighs.

"Nothing" He tells her. He looks uncertain though like he has something to say but can't quite get the words out.

She softens her expression and eyes him expectantly.

"Think we could both use a drink don't you?" He asks her, clearly very quickly noticing the change in her features. He certainly hadn't lost the ability to read her.

She weights her options quickly. Turn him down and stay away or go and see if she can get him to open up to her again.

"Okay. Sure" She tells him quickly.

"l'll see you later then." He replies.

She's drunk. She can feel the alcohol buzz flowing freely through every inch of her body. It's warm and fuzzy. It's been a long time since she was this intoxicated. She'd had at least two or three more glasses of wine than she should have.

She steps out of the pub and the cold air hits her lungs. She expects a shiver to hit her body any second but it doesn't come. The alcohol coat is obviously doing its job providing an extra layer of warmth. The days had been warmer but the nights still had a touch of spring chill to them, neither of them had an actual coat.

The drink had been nice. She was just glad he didn't seem to mind spending time with her again. They'd stuck to safe topics only, work, Petrenko, the kids, what she'd missed while she was away. They'd stayed well clear of all and any personal conversations. She couldn't help but notice that Fletch mentioned Abi a total of four times throughout the evening.

"I kept meaning to contact you while I was away." She tells him stopping on the pavement just outside the pub doors. She wants to explain. She wants to tell him she hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. She'd realised that the night was nearly over and she didn't want to completely miss the opportunity to at least try to bring up the elephant in the room.

He turns to her and shrugs.

"It really doesn't matter. You needed a break." He replies. She can see he means it, that he wouldn't ever have begrudged her the time off but she can still detect just a hint of hurt in his eyes. It disappears in a flash though and then she's not certain she'd seen it at all."And besides you're back now." He adds with another shrug. He seems totally aloof even with the bucketful of alcohol flowing through his veins. She watches him look up the street clearly checking to see if a taxi is heading their way.

"I wanted too." She confesses as she feels her body sway a bit. The fresh air worsening the effects of the alcohol she'd consumed. Nervousness courses through her as she isn't able to read his reaction to her confession, his attention still focused down the street. She doesn't want to end up looking like a complete idiot. If he really isn't interested then she doesn't want to say too much.

He turns fully to face her and his eyes lock on to hers. She holds his gaze. Hoping he understands she means what she said. He nods at her acknowledging her words but then looks away again down the street and she sighs.

"Don't worry a taxi will be along in a minute I'm sure." He tells her obviously assuming the sigh was one of impatience rather than one of disappointment.

She spots a taxi rounding the corner and as it heads towards them Fletch puts his arm out and ushers it over.

"You take this one. I'll get the next." He tells her offering her a small smile.

The taxi stops by the kerb right in front of them and he opens the door for her.

"Thanks." She tells him. Throws him a small smile, searches his eyes quickly, notices immediately what she is looking for isn't there. She gets in the cab and lets out a long breath before telling the driver her address.

She sleeps well that night the wine lulling her into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning she arrives at work walks out of the lift to find Fletch waiting for her in the corridor. She squints at him, the bright lights of the corridor making her headache worse.

"We're short two nurses. I've called the agency and they're sending one over now but I'm still waiting to hear if we'll get a second." He tells her before she'd even managed to say good morning.

"Good morning to you too." She glares at him. Her mood worsening by the second. She takes a good look at him and is further irritated by the fact that he doesn't even look slightly hungover.

"Sore head?" He asks her suddenly softening his tone.

She nods and starts walking towards her office. He walks along side her.

"We'll manage." She tells him. Being short a nurse or two was a regular occurrence these days. The cuts were making their impact felt all over the hospital. She's hopeful now that the recruitment ban had been lifted that they'd soon have a few extra pairs of hands about the place but for now they'd have to make do with what they had.

His hand lands on her arm and he gently strokes his hand up and down a couple of times. She turns her head towards him searching out his eyes. She's hoping to find the affection she used to see there before she left. He is smiling at her sympathetically, not an iota of affection. It's the same look he gives his sick patients. She grimaces.

"Paracetamol?" He offers

"Please." She tells him. Smiles but it feels forced.

"Fletch" Abi's voice comes from behind them startling them both. His hand drops from her arm quickly. "Have you got a minute?"

"For you Ms Tate I've got two." He tells her throwing her a grin.

She rolls her eyes. She can see Fletch is happy to oblige. He doesn't even look back at her as he heads off towards his office with Abi in tow. Abi certainly seems to be making her presence felt on Darwin. She was showing up here everyday sometimes more than once. She's noticed Fletch disappear multiple times a day too. Maybe he was going to see her. Perhaps the feeling was mutual.

She's standing at the nurses station when Fletch and Abi eventually emerge from his office. They both head towards her and she wonders if she can slip into one of the patients rooms before they notice her but they reach her in seconds and her escape plan is foiled.

"Ms Naylor." Abi greets her, giving her a quick nod.

"Ms Tate." She responds as politely as possible.

She watches her turn to Fletch and place a hand on his arm.

"I'll see you later Fletch." Abi tells him and she can hear the affection in her voice. She's barely containing her annoyance at the sight. She watches as Abi saunters off towards the lift.

"Ugh." She groans aloud as soon as she's certain that Abi is out of earshot and shakes her head clearly displaying her displeasure.

"You don't like Abi?" He asks turning to her with confusion written all over his face.

She lets out a puff of air indicating her displeasure. "You do?" She questions him. Her tone taking on a higher than usual pitch.

"What's not to like? She's nice enough." He says.

She rolls her eyes. Hides the upset she feels at his words.

"She's a good doctor." He tells her firmly and she's surprised by the assertive tone he is exhibiting in Abi's defence.

She shakes her head and leaves him standing at the nurses station. She heads straight for her office.

She understands how ridiculous she is being, she hadn't even spoken to her but she'd immediately disliked her interactions with Fletch. She was flirty and so overly confident. Worst of all though Fletch didn't seem to mind. They'd clearly gotten to know each other while she was away. The banter she'd seen between them reminiscent of what they'd previously shared. She shakes her head to clear her thoughts.

Her annoyance at his aloofness is continuing to grow. When she reaches her office she's surprised to find he'd followed her.

"Wouldn't you rather be down in AAU where Ms Tate can swoon over you?" She asks him unable to keep the venom out of her voice. She heads towards her desk stops and turns to face him. She watches him close the door behind him.

"You.." he falters, takes a deep breath before looking her straight in the eyes. "You're jealous." He tells her and it's a statement of fact rather than a question.

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not jealous." She replies without even missing a beat. She picks up a file from her desk and pretends to be very interested in what's inside. The truth is though she can't even make out the words on the pages. Her blood is rushing through her veins so fast it's blurring her vision.

"The look on your face says otherwise." He tells her and again it's a statement of fact and she hates that he can pinpoint almost perfectly every emotion she's feeling at any given time.

She glances up catches his eyes and there it is. The thing that's been missing. She hadn't seen that look in his eyes since before she'd left.

He is looking her like she's everything.

She'd been searching for it ever since she'd returned. She hadn't even been able to put a label on exactly what had been missing. Until now.

She feels her heart clench and she forces her eyes away from his. She doesn't want him to read the relief on her face. She pops the file back on her desk and takes a step towards the door, feeling the need to escape.

"I don't want to be down on AAU." He says suddenly and her eyes are immediately drawn back to him. She wants to ask him what he wants but the lump she feels in her throat prevents any words from leaving her mouth. She swallows hard.

He is looking at her now as if he expects some sort of a question or maybe an answer, something, anything at all but she just doesn't know what to say. He sighs, the look on his face indicating that he is about to give up. He looks away from her then, towards the board on the wall that's behind her. She's pretty sure this is the last chance she's gonna get, she doesn't want to mess this up.

She takes a deep breath. Takes a small step towards him. He notices her movement and focuses his attention back on her.

She shrugs one shoulder gently and tilts her head slightly with a small nod indicating her agreement to his former statement. As soon as she does it she looks away from his eyes. She doesn't want to see his reaction. He must have taken a step towards her because the next thing she feels is a hand on her arm. When she doesn't look at him he squeezes her arm gently. She closes her eyes for second then looks up at him.

"I'm here aren't I!" He exclaims, his hand dropping from her arm onto her waist. His touch is soft and hesitant and she can feel the warmth of his fingers through her scrubs.

"Yes, why are you here?" She's not sure if she means in her office right now or with her in general.

He seems surprised by the question and his eyes quickly dart away from her. His hand falls from her waist at the same and he sighs loudly. It's apparent to her that he is just as unwilling to be the first to reveal his hand. It's almost a stalemate.

She moves her hand to his bicep and gently squeezes it exactly as he had done to her only moments before. She wants to draw his eyes back to hers and continue the conversation. She feels like they are so close to something. She doesn't want to stop now. His eyes slowly move back to hers and she gently strokes her thumb against his bicep to try and encourage him to talk.

"You know why." He tells her softly, glances away from her eyes and then back again.

"Do I?" She asks him genuinely a slight challenge in her tone. She really doesn't know. Her uncertainty fueled by the card she'd found in the bin in his office, his friendly interactions with Ms Tate and his aloof attitude towards her over the last few weeks.

His eyes cloud over briefly, as if he is trying to recall a memory in the recent weeks that would support his statement. She thinks back over the few conversations they'd had and she's certain that he'd given her no indication of anything since she'd returned. She waits silently until she sees realization dawn on his face and he takes a deep breath.

"Oh." He says suddenly. He looks guilty for a split second but then his eyes lock on to hers with renewed determination. The intensity she sees makes her want to squirm but she doesn't look away. His eyes drop to her lips then back to her eyes. She feels like she's going to implode if he doesn't hurry up and kiss her. She flicks her eyes down on to his lips quickly and as soon as he sees it he moves towards her.

His lips touch hers cautiously, almost testing her response. She runs her hands up his arms and over his shoulders so that she can pull him closer and deepen the kiss. She can taste coffee and something sweet that she can't identify. He wraps his arms tightly around her and runs his hands over her lower back. His kiss melts away all of the doubts she'd had over the last few weeks and she feels herself pouring all of her emotions into kissing him back. When they part for breath they gaze into each other's eyes for a few seconds. Neither wanting to disturb the momentary bubble they are occupying.

"I'm exactly where I want to be." He tells her quietly and she knows he means it.

When he leans into kiss her again she meets him halfway. She knows they have a lot to talk about but she's finally certain they'll figure it out together.


End file.
